Ouchy Awkwardness

Saturday, August 23, 2008

For those of you not in the know, I was in a rollover car accident three years ago, injured my neck & shoulder, and was in chiropractic & massage therapy for 6 months afterwards. Since that time, I have continued to go see a massage therapist every month or two to maintain the mobility that took forever to regain. However, time just slipped away from me and I haven't had a massage for about five months now. Knowing that I needed to go back, I scheduled an appointment with someone who works in the same office as my regular therapist but who I had never been to before. Going to a new therapist is always a crapshoot because you just never know what you are going to get and how your body will react to their touch. Believe me, not everyone's techniques work for every patient.

I sure found out quickly that this lady has got to like running torture chambers in her spare time. She poked and pounded and prodded me until I almost screamed in agony. But call me a masochist, because it really does feel a lot better. I will be going back to her soon.

Now, if you've ever had a massage, I'm sure that like me, you have wanted to giggle at some point. Maybe they hit a ticklish spot. Maybe whatever they were doing to you seemed absolutely ridiculous. Maybe you full frontal flashed a male masseuse (Jess' true story). Maybe they leaned over too far when standing near your the top of you and your head became encased in their boobs (my true story). But whatever it is that makes you want to giggle, there can't be that many that beat mine today.

I was laying on the table facedown with my arms at my sides, palms up. My massuse was working on some part of my back, completely tearing apart all muscle structure and piecing it back together where it should go. I was in agony and lay there trying not to whimper, when suddenly she goes for some long reaching strokes and leans over my body. My hand was at the side of the table and as she reached across, her body moved closer, causing her crotch to jump right into my hand. That's right, I cupped my masseuse's bits. At that point my mind was whirling. Do I move my hand and acknowledge what just happened? Or does she not realize that she's right on top of my hand and that will only make it more awkward? What was I to do? Luckily she changed positions soon thereafter, leaving me to try to not tense up from holding in my mirth.

Seriously? That just happened? How does this stuff always happen to me?


Katherine Laine said...

My advice- keep your palms face down.

Jami Janelle said...

did you ever read seventeen magazine? there were these articles about embarrassing moments where they used words like mortifying and unbelievable. I think you could have a successful career of writing if you submitted your "stories" to seventeen on a monthly basis.

Angie said...

I read 17 all the time! My sister and I even have a term for things that would be talked about in the magazine. This would totally be a "seventeen moment"!

Lisa said...

OK, so I have never gotten a massage simply because the whole process seems incredibly awkward to me- that, and I don't like people I don't know touching me :) This has further solidified my desire to STAY AWAY from massages!! :)

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